I Fucked IT Up, I lied! why must i always jeapardize myself ?

To be honest and not let guilt devour me anymore, i told a lie when i first met JJ and i told him the truth 2 days ago. i know i shouldn't have done it , i was just egoistic and wants "FACE". STupid me... why did i have to do that and misuse the trust. must i always fall down hard and learn. i wanna document this down so that i will remember and well read this and always feel the pain. i wanna learn. i wanna move on. i want my heart and my actions and brain to be 1. it has always been an achilles heel of mine since young but i wanna step out of it by telling the truth.
Choice to change is a first step, Abiding by it is another.